Even When I Cannot See

At the beginning of this year, I wrote a post about how my word for 2016 is believe. It's proven to be a very fitting word.

In March, we found out we were expecting a fourth girl. I had felt really strongly that our fourth baby was a boy, and so I was very surprised. I wrote about it here, but there were a number of reasons that I believed our baby was a boy and I had a lot of emotions and beliefs wrapped up in those reasons, and it took a while to unravel them. It took a lot of looking to God and believing to unravel those thoughts and emotions and to see that a girl was what was very best for our family (and man, now as she lays sleeping next to me as I type this post, I can't imagine a life without her... I just love her).

In August, I had a home birth. I prayed frequently for this birth, and I believed that the Lord would be with me through it all ... and I also believed and trusted that this was the right birth plan for me. And it was so perfect.

In September, we decided we were going to sell our house. We had quite a few renovations left to do, and I knew it was going to be crazy town with young kids and a newborn and homeschooling to finish them, but I trusted the way the Lord was leading my husband, and I believed God would care for us in this time, and He did and we were able to finish them and stay sane.

In October, we went ahead and listed our home for the price the Lord put on our heart and for what we thought our house was worth even though an earlier appraisal made us uncertain about this price. We weren't in a hurry to sell, and we believed that God would bring along buyers if it was meant to be. We had an offer within two days (and a number of people on a waiting list)!

In November, the inspection and appraisal all went better than we could have hoped, and we closed on our house at the end of the month. And we believed that the Lord would provide our next home for us.

And that is where we are now... Here we are living with Ben's parents while we wait for our farmhouse. When we sold our house, we had two potential farmhouses that we were looking into. One of them was a "sure thing" as they had definite plans to move in the spring... we visited their house before listing and loved it. We were still keeping our eyes on the market just to make certain there wasn't something else more perfect, as we had no signed contracts, but we really loved the first farmhouse we looked at and were happy that we could have that house in the spring as it was really perfect for our family and as farmhouses are literally pretty much obsolete on the market in our area (the Amish snag them all up... and actually, that is who owned this first farmhouse). So, the second potential farmhouse was not and never has been a definite. It's only a possibility right now. We have talked to the couple who owns it and they know our interest... they do not live in the farmhouse, but they do not know if they want to sell it. And so with this farmhouse, we have just been praying a lot about it because the Lord seemed to quite randomly throw the potential of it into our laps, and we can't get it off our minds.

Yesterday, I sat down with the girls to read their Bible story with them from The Child's Story Bible, and it was the story of Jesus walking on the water.

Peter was filled with the wonderful power of Jesus. He felt that Jesus ruled all the world, and that He could do all things. And if He could do all things, He could even make a poor, weak man like Peter able to walk on the water.
So Peter called to Jesus, "Lord, if it is You, tell me to come to You on the water!"
Jesus said to Peter, "Come!"
Peter got out of the boat. For a few minutes his heart was so filled with the thought of Jesus' almighty power that he, too, was able to walk on top of the waves. But soon Peter looked around at the howling storm, and as his trust in Jesus weakened, he began to fear the storm. When Peter stopped trusting Jesus, he began to sink. In a panic he cried out, "Lord, save me!"

I read that story and it spoke to me. When I enter hard circumstances, I typically begin by strongly believing that the Lord will come through and that he can do anything. But as time goes on and I'm praying the same prayer a year later (or even just a month later), my faith begins to waver. I doubt myself. I doubt my God. I grow weary. It seems hopeless and impossible.

Later in the day, after reading this story, my husband came home and told me that the first farmhouse... you know, the one that was definite... that the owner told him they had decided they were no longer selling. That left us with no definites. No certainty for our future. And I realized this was my chance to look at Jesus and not at the storm howling around me... to look straight at Him and to prove that I really do believe what He says and trust in Him. I don't need to worry or be anxious or controlling because God holds my future in his hand and already has a plan better than I can create on my own (and boy, has that truth taken me a long time to learn). And this isn't the only thing I'm praying for. There are some things I am praying for right now that I have been praying for a long time. There are times I grow weary and lose my faith. But I read stories like this, and I remember God's faithfulness in the past, and it stirs me to continue believing and continue praying.

So this year of 2016 has been a year to believe... a year to walk by faith even when I cannot see. My hope is that the more the Lord asks me to believe and have faith, the easier it will become and the stronger I will believe.